Slow Down, Mama...

Today, as I watched my youngest sweet son sing his heart out and play his recorder at his 3rd grade school concert, I heard these words rattle around in the recesses of my mind and propel themselves to the frontal lobe with choked back sobs of love and tenderness. “Slow Down, Mama....slow down and savor these moments as sweet memories to be bottled and treasured up into your heart! Lay aside everything else that tugs on your time and attention! These moments are fading fast, as you well know from having young adults. Time slips by when you’re least expecting it and your babies are making their own decisions and way in life.” 

I renewed a vow today that when the pressures are mounting the messes are out of control, and the bickering and fault finding are at their worst, to intentionally look for a new perspective from which to regain clarity. Most days we moms just run on auto pilot, burrowing down in a sort of numb existence to the break-neck pace of life. We crave adventure, romance and to nurture that part of us that is creative and alive! Before too long, we sink back into the pit of mere survival mode longing to scratch our way toward fresh soil to dig deep our roots and grow.

 Our children look to us to provide the model for living and all relationships in the home ! No pressure, right ? I’ve often thought my role in this was perfection. I am finding out that all they want is my time. Time to read, time to play, help with a school project or homework, cheering them on in their endeavors and dreams, time to listen to some new story happening at school or some adventure. Yes, they test the boundaries and it’s a good thing they are cute. Their cheekiness and belligerence are sometimes overwhelmingly exhausting. In these moments, sometimes it’s all I can do not to blow my steam like a tea kettle, and plenty of times...I do. Who wants all these people in their way making things complicated in daily navigating life? I have discovered the answer to that question is that I do!! I pray that they see that mama really does love them and desires their lives be enriched with good things. I pray that the good things they choose are of eternal value and that I am laying the foundation for that while my time is still theirs...and not my own. 

Late this evening before dinner, after having hand washed a ton of dishes earlier in the day (dishwasher has been on strike over a year!), I made a remark through literal frustrated tears and  said, “Every time I turn around, the DISHES ARE HAVING BABIES!!!” 😆😂 The look from  3rd grade son, and eruption of giggles over such a quizzical statement, was sure worth every ounce of holding back while also providing ample training of personal responsibility. 

Growth Spurts

Growth Spurts

The tender plant dug deep into sod, and as her green tendrils wove their way through dirt and rocks, she lifted up her sun-kissed soul to the sky. Radiant heat poured over every inch of her. She was beginning to feel growth down deep in her stem. As water took up residence offering life-giving nourishment, her very existence sucked up all the sustenance provided. She molded into and clung to the rich vitamins and minerals of the soil, whose soul purpose was to progress her to the place of blossom. 

The rain beat down, mercilessly so. The wind whipped unrelentingly over her. At times, even the sun scorched her emerging buds. But always, the care of her Master Gardener, brought her back to life. No matter the storm, nor the climate, the tender plant clung to hope. The hope of blooming in full season. The Master Gardener patiently watched over this one tender seedling. Never forgetting one single detail, he faithfully sacrificed his time into seeing this plant bloom. As each fragrant and colorful petal burst forth, she was becoming less fragile. She was beginning to reach her full potential. Realizing she would never become fully independent, she began to acknowledge that fact for the security that it was. She now faced each sunrise with the renewed pleasure of both giving and receiving. She was becoming interdependent. And there, in that stillness, was a deep serenity opening the way to the garden’s gate of true and lasting happiness. 

The thought of being plucked from her familiar cocoon never concerned her. At the pinnacle of growth as a tender plant, she did not concernherself with the catastrophic. Yet, in one instant, her life source was cut short. With curious wonderment and child-like innocence, doused with equal measure of high pitched squeals, a chubby fist landed resolutely across her base. She felt her seams rip and burst forth as her anchor to the ground shredded away. Stunned and dazed, the plant flung about in the broad open daylight for all to see! Never had she felt so unprepared; so perplexed. How could she have been uprooted so violently when all was right in her meticulously planned existence? As she was brought closer to the face of the one who had dared disrupt her tranquility and quite literally shook the earth, she was both dismayed and perplexed to see the face of a little wide-eyed wonder-filled boy staring through her. Happily, he bounced away with her flailingthrough the wind and sunshine. Abruptly he fell to the ground on bended knee and made a gentlemanly proclamation: “Mommy! I picked this just for YOU! Mommy! Mommy! Mooommmyyy!”  

Falling gracefully in her strong and weathered hands, Miss Bloom smiled and kissed each well-worn wrinkle with her colorful, glorious petals! It was only then she knew her purpose. She had been tenderly cared for and grown to maturity, to bring joy and peace to one who called herself simply, Mom. 

Tomorrow's Frogs make Today's Warts

This was not a request. This was a command. This wasn't a suggestion. This was a declarative statement of expectation.

Within moments of the power-packed, hard hitting worship, a clear picture formed in my mind the way it has so often. This new picture, a Bride with strips of white linens swirling around her, forming a cylindrical shape. Forceful winds pulling and twisting the woman as she struggled to stay grounded and her eyes focused above her on the source of the wind and RADIANT warmth. A masculine arm outstretched. The open palmed clasp in a tight grip on the woman's delicate hand. The black cross and a red heart in the middle, blowing to and fro. The woman writhing in pain. On her face, the open scream no doubt high pitched, as she struggled to maintain composure. Gradual calm overtakes as peace floods in, winds cease, and the woman is drawn up and out of the vacuum of pain into the glorious embrace of the hand and the arm. Pain becomes the face of serenity.

"You're coming up out of this pit. Tonight. No MORE!"

You know when you've been with Jesus. You just know. There's no mistaking His voice.

The only thing that brought calm to the storm is the surrender. 

Then the message went in line with everything else shown. Completely.

The degree at which you are willing to embrace the pain of recovery is the degree of healing you will receive! And when you refuse to embrace the pain of recovery, those around you have to deal with something they've never done to you!

What are the "frogs" in my life causing me to say "tomorrow"? "Tomorrow" I rid myself of this, or that. I find it hard to fathom how Pharaoh says, "tomorrow" in vs 9 of Exodus 8, when asked to "set the time!" What insane lunatic doesn't want relief from the frogs of life?

This was NOT a request. This was a command. This WASN'T a suggestion. This was a declarative statement of expectation.

Somedays you hit the wall; others you just turn it off

Frustrated over ongoing connectivity issues and boys who won't sit still and get serious, my homeschool as of late has resembled more of a liturgical service. Up, down, all around. I had forgotten how much I crave order and perfection! In the midst of this constant upheaval, I am reminded of a blond haired, blue eyed boy named Brandon in my 2nd grade class, many years ago. I now know Brandon's purpose went far beyond that school year. He was preparing me for a few boys of my own.

Dazed and confused, Brandon could most often be caught doing anything but his work. He sat in my first row of desks and I struggled to connect the building blocks of learning to his existing knowledge base. I often wondered if he heard anything I said. So many notes and phone calls home, in those days I wondered how any parent could be so negligent of making their kid follow through on appropriate classroom behavior! HA!!! God has a way of teaching us important life lessons through this little thing called first hand experience. Brandon was my first encounter with ADHD, medication, and the brain chemistry of both that and perseverative autism.  Enter Brandon. Enter compassion and empathy.

My boys were entrusted to me to teach and I am their first, best, and most intimately familiar guide on the path of life. I am thankful for each of them and their unique strengths and weaknesses. I am thankful we can have this time together, no matter how short or long it may be, to learn at a relaxed pace and enjoy the gift of time. I hope I never take that for granted. I'm also enormously thankful for friends who have the same experiences of life and hold my hand and talk me through, when it hurts from the exhaustive pain of it all. You know who you are! There are days of hitting the wall and melt downs when our homeschooling is more like a trek through an insane asylum on lockdown at lunch time, when no food trucks are allowed admittance! There are also very good days where things flow smoothly! No matter which day we're having, we're on the hunt for a optimal learning environment where we understand one another better and the order of God's amazing world!

And after searching all day for the missing piece of connection to the outside world? I finally discovered that if I just shut down my firewall, I could have access to the superhighway. While I am sure it is not the recommended operating procedure, just like in my mothering of my son's, sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to gain access to the heart, mind, and spirit of a little boy. Sometimes plans need to be pushed aside to read a story and snuggle. God grant me the ability to do this with a more patient and sincere understanding of what it's like to be a tiny male!

Some-days you hit the wall; other days you turn it off and still others you simply find the pencil sharpener you've been looking for over an hour! School can commence and life is good. ;-)

Solio De Gloria,


Victoria

LIES

Lies

A sinister darkness begins to evade the space around my head, popping my bubble of crystal clear happy. Slowly and pervasively simmering thoughts of condemnation arise from a voided cavern where poisonous thoughts didn’t lurk behind pillars of damaged self-esteem and doubt just a moment before. I hear your skillfully slithering, hatefully hoarse whisper in the dimly-lit restroom I’ve just entered. It has been a night to remember; another momentous notch in the turning point of pain. It’s not the first time you’ve come around viciously taunting me after overcoming and great joy have been mine. You rarely let a child of God ride high on clouds of victory long. I should begin to anticipate your attacks by now, yet often they catch me completely off guard. Your acidic venom spills forth as despair threatens to topple me like cascading tidal waves. For the briefest of moments, I struggle to hold onto this dangling rope of hope and joy. These moments ARE briefer. And therein lies the solace and the knowledge that ground is being taken back! One mountain of lies at a time.

“You won’t make it far this time either. You’ll see. You’ll always come back to me. You know, I’m always here and you will fall again………..another day.”

But I know my Rescue. I know the Way out. And we’ve been messaging. Daily. No. Hourly and by the moment somedays. I recognize His Strong Voice above your pitiful attempt at manipulative mind altering control! The pure and serene communion we have is far tighter wound than any false bond Ive ever shared with you! I have no blind-spots to your filthy accusations this time, because I've nailed shut the passageway from your salacious suggestions to my ears!! Instead, I've opened up the sweet channels of healing and grace for the Word of Life to come gushing forth and plant precious seeds to take root and choke out the weeds of doubt and disgrace in the garden of my heart and life.

Where you once were allowed full disclosure and permitted to run the gammet of thoughts streaming up and down the information super highway of my mind, I've learned by error and experience to replace with life-affirming, prison-breaking, grace-filled, love-laden, chain-busting, positive, faith-filled messages from the Lover of my Soul who fought to give His all for me. No more will I stand by and allow you to work me over your sadistic coals of shame, depression, and deception! I’m done with your empty promises of security and fleeting feel good feels! I stand firmly planted beside my Healer and my Deliverer to crush your face with His steel-toed boot heel. Yes, Jesus loves The Duke and Dirty Harry. I often picture him as more that…..taking crap off no one, especially YOU. He’s also more regally refined than William or Charles. And Fred Astaire holds nothing to His dance card.

I speak His unconditional love and grace over my mind, my body, and my home!

And as for you, you can be gone! Back from whence you came to rope in one of your little minions to your game. I’m proclaiming God’s Truth as a belt to my waist, and I’m wearing His helmet to protect my tender head and face. Across my chest, I’ll fasten a breast plate of right living, and the sharp sword I’ll brandish will speak His Word to my thinking.  My feet won’t go unless laced with His peace, and my shield is His faith which extinguish your lies in fiery defeat.

So you’re done with this Warrior. You’re done with this Child. You’re done with your scheming, attacking, and beguile. You’re done with this Princess; this Royalty confirmed. I haven’t got time for your games; you’re overturned!!

His love.....NOT "luck"

So, today it was necessary to go on a walk. I'm dealing with some fairly heavy burdens and mind boggling circumstances as of late. It's nothing I won't get through eventually, and am confident will be just another part of the trail I'm walking. I'm so thankful I'm not walking alone and this is what struck me on this beautiful trail at our local park. But there IS pain. At times it is excruciating. This pain is not immune to any of us on earth.  There's just a lot that happens to us in life that we can never be fully prepared for. We ponder life's circumstances sometimes and wonder what we would do if faced with the pain of others instead of our own personal pain and circumstances. We can never know that. Each one should listen and learn from the other.

I was fortunate to find a FOUR leaf CLOVER while sitting on a high, grassy knoll at the end of the trail I was on. At the tip of one of the leaves was a heart shape jutting out!! I thought, how cool! Isn't that like God? Always letting us know he loves us and it's not LUCK that plucks us out of our circumstances and our eyes on Him. It's Him and His forever LOVE. As I sat and poured out my troubles to God for what seemed like the hundredth time that week, I felt a new presence around my shoulders. I felt I could get through the next moment. Moment by moment.....taking His hand. As MY shoulders heaved with unending gut sobs over past failures and good intentions gone wrong, I felt God whisper and send the shoulders of His angels saying............"And I have placed you right where I want you. I gave these to you. You are exactly what they need."

Unfortunately, I wasn't to bring my rare treasure home. It quickly fell out of my grasp when I noticed a shiny, black, thin and stretched out appearance from the corner of my eye - slithering along on it's belly moving underneath a wrought iron fence which protected a little monument. I thought, how like the devil that is! Coming along and trying to move our attention off HIS steadfast love and peace and placing it on him! Too often we let go of God's love and security for a cheap counter-fit substitute of many things. Our eyes aren't typically opened until it's too late, but when they are, we see that shiny black thing/person/ circumstance/ issue/ idol  for what it is and we run for our lives! And we must be on guard for all of the schemes of the devil trying to creep in where he's not wanted, breaking down our wrought iron fences. We are the defenders of the family!! Be strong mamas!! Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might!! And take every thought captive and obedient to Christ!! I start with me. I focus on the heart at the tip of my four leaf clover and where it leads. For it always leads me to HIS heart. Which is gentle and humble in heart. And leads me straight to His arms of Grace. And there are NO safer arms to be held in. 

2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 

Is. 40:11
He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. 

Consistency in the small things.
Bravery in the big things.
Mercy in the hard things.
Courage in the tumultuous things.
Love, in all things.

Why is consistency so difficult? If we had bravery, would we be more consistent? If we possessed unlimited amounts of mercy both with ourselves, and with others, would we be more brave?
Is Courage the same thing as bravery? Isn't courage the ability to face insurmountable difficulties and grave danger with the tranquility of a child cradled in it's mother's (or father's) arms? How then, is bravery different? Maybe bravery is more than courage. Maybe bravery is the ability to stare down an immediate threat with the cold steel glare of an immovable fortress, and in the face of such a foe, emerge the victor. Love would bind all of these virtues together as one electrifying, life affirming force and make it so that all courageous, merciful, and brave beings would be consistent.
Consistency has always been such a difficult virtue for me. I don't think I'm alone.
God knew that we wouldn't be consistent. That's why he provided the Holy Spirit, our Comforter and Helper. And that's why He sent Jesus. Our Redeemer, Savior, and Friend. To be called a Friend of God is no small thing. Why would He choose me when I am the least consistent person I know?
Because He is perfect. Perfect Love. Perfect Courage. Perfect Mercy. Perfect Bravery. Perfect Consistency. And my life is hid with His. So He has become my love, my courage, my mercy, my bravery, my consistency. To be broken is to know the bottom rung of life's pain. It's only in being broken we can be made whole and receive the grace he wants to give us. And it is only through brokenness that we learn the lessons of what consistency, bravery, mercy, courage and love and what they can teach us through life's experiences. I want to choose to walk with Him and talk with Him through life's pain. I want to choose to try to listen to His voice and make some sense of what is going on around me. On my own, it doesn't make sense why things are the way they are. Why the predominant theme of my life is, "Wait! I'm not finished here yet!!", "Wait, I will take care of you in my way. You don't need to fear. I will not let any harm come to you. You will be provided for in due time." Still, there are many things he calls us to do in the meantime and they are Courage. Bravery. Mercy. And, yes, Love.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails! (1 Cor 13)

Carpe Diem!
xoxoxo ~

Victoria